Why should anybody ever have to feel this way?  Is it really even a way? Is my brain the way things work? Is my brain normal? Or are  “normal” people’s brains normal? Who gets to make that decision anyway? Who gets to decide what is normal?  And what is right? and what is appropriate? And what is correct? And what is viewed by societal norms? Maybe my brain is the correct way, maybe my brain is actually normal & maybe everybody else is just really screwed up and I’m the normal one?  Who knows? Who gets to make that decision anyway? Well, regardless it doesn’t really matter, all I know is my way. I know most people don’t understand me and I know most of the time things don’t seem to be the same way for other people that I encounter for whatever reason… my way is just slightly off.  

I’ve wondered this my whole life, why exactly is that? I mean I don’t mind it, sometimes I have struggles and it makes my life a little bit challenging but very interesting, kind of like a giraffe.  I mean, how do you get a neck so tall anyway? I’ve lost a lot of people that I love and care about because they just don’t understand me & if you try to explain to them what’s happening nobody really wants to hear about your problems or your complaints, it just sounds like you’re trying to make an excuse.  So away they go, like a wave in the ocean… Well, that’s OK, I have no issue with that I don’t like people making excuses either so I’ve just learned to deal with things the way they are in my life, you know just being me …living autistically in disguise … 

I could really start at the very beginning on the day that I was born but I don’t think that I will.   I think that I will start with today. Today what is going on with my life, yes, I will start with today; today has been a very orange day, lots of things happened in my life with my perception in the way I view the world, nobody has any idea what I see, what I think, how I feel, or where I fit in.  There are a few people that love me for who I am and understand me as best as they can. I’m very grateful for those people in my life. Really, I fit in everywhere, I am a puzzle piece who can go into any box of puzzles because there is a spot for me somewhere, somehow.

Since we are not starting at the beginning or starting in the middle, maybe we will start with now, or perhaps at the end …when I look at a piece of paper with writing on it, I know that I should start in the top left hand corner. I always start at the bottom right… as a matter of fact I try to find the 1st word of the last sentence on that page… silly how that goes even though I know that’s not where I’m supposed to start it just seems like it makes sense so I start with the very last word then I start with the 1st word of the very last sentence and then I read the 2nd to the last sentence and then get frustrated and stared at the very top… top to bottom left to right that’s how we were taught right? Well so that’s how it goes, and then I continue on kind of skipping around a bit wondering what else is on that page wishing I could just understand and retain the information so that I could understand things, but my brain doesn’t seem to want to do things that way… and I’m a really big fan of just doing things the way we feel natural to do them over the society’s way is better than me.  Are we talking about expectations or reality? I’m not better than anybody else we just all are exactly who we are some day the world may recognize that and we may have an opportunity to live in a world where everybody is just loved for who they are until then I’m going to do things that way because that’s what makes sense for me I always love people for who they are I don’t judge it’s not my place the crazier the better …

my whole life I’ve dreamed of being on an island called the misfit island that’s where everybody that doesn’t quite fit in gets together and spends time just loving on each other and growing in who they are as the person they were sent here to be… it’s a beautiful place and often times in my life I find myself on that island… I mean I’m always there physically and mentally & I show up quite often I’m always looking for people without even knowing it that are just not quite sure how to be who they are because they’re so broken and bruised and beaten up from the world just smacking them around and trying to tell them who they should be and how they should behave and the way they should think and the things that they should do, the goals they should meet,  the places they should go, you know those expectations again. Why do we have seasons?

I skip around a bit I’ve done some crazy things gone up gone down gone in gone out gone back gone forth…I’ve survived quite well in the world most people would think that I’m not very successful or that I’m a bit crazy that’s because they don’t really understand who I am or how my brain and my mind function… I know that I’m lined up perfectly the way that I’m supposed to be in this world.  I serve a great purpose, I have beautiful beliefs, loving memories and every day is such a true blessing… I connect well with babies, plants, animals, you know things that are pure, not judgemental and have no possibilities in this world other than their exact purpose that they were put here for, that’s where I connect. We have a blue boat.

 I think of the tree of life and I think of how we are all interconnected and it seems so silly to me that some people can be so socialized the way that they think the world wants them to be yet I am so very different from those people yet we are all connected so we are one isn’t that strange?  I have a dog named Molly & she looks like an old man.

I’ve been writing a book my whole life; many books I’ve started…sometimes I thought to myself and even said to people that I love and trust and care about that someday I will write a book, as a matter of fact I think I’ll write a few, maybe I’ll write some short stories maybe I’ll write the script for a movie or a few more poems, maybe I’ll have a film series a Netflix series… maybe something will finally come out that I can put together just so perfectly that the world will adore it just the way that it comes out? and then I remember putting things in order fitting them together perfectly the way the world expects us to do is just really not my thing… I’m a puzzle piece I’m a beautiful puzzle piece… my piece can go to any puzzle in any box anywhere and nobody ever has to even worry about it… it fits together very nicely, I’m a puzzle piece!

One day I decided you know what? maybe I’ll just write things like a diary,  a journaling of things that are going on mind that are wondering and wandering and denying their thing and maybe just maybe there might be somebody else out there they can understand and relate?  We don’t have to do things in order; top to bottom and left to right is not the only way this is a way can you relate to me? Maybe you know someone else who could? Maybe hearing what I’m saying will help you in some way some how to connect to yourself your true self or to somebody that you love and care about that the world has labeled just a little bit different?  How great would it be to understand day to day living instead of life checking off boxes as expected & press 3 for Electronics, just really understand the day to day.

I am excited to speak to  people who are just not quite sure what the world looks like from the eyes of an autistic adult… somebody that just gets it from my point of view that has such a deep desire and Passion to reach out to the world to help somebody is this you? Do you have these thoughts feelings awkward interactions? Do you have the fight or flight or freeze? Do you know someone who does? Perhaps your child or your niece or nephew or even your mother or your neighbor?  I am searching to help people to understand what it looks like to see the world from another set of eyes maybe by understanding just how things go on in the life of just your average person doing your average things conforming to life to the best of their ability in order to survive on this planet that we call Earth… look….there is a beautiful butterfly…maybe just maybe I can help someone that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and that’s all I’ve ever done nothing else really matters anyway … aren’t we all supposed to be here to reach out and help each other? thank you so much for caring about your people so much that you really want to understand them 🙂